So it happened!

  So it happened. My motivation has worn down, and I am struggling to keep up with things. This happens every time I try to eat better and lose weight. This is the point I fail. Every time. I start to feel guilty over everything I put in my mouth that is not something I feel I am "supposed to" eat. Then I get angry that I feel guilty. Then I eat in protest starting the cycle from hell. I am fighting things hard this time. literally taking it meal by meal but also trying not to obsess over it. Finding balance has got to be my biggest challenge in the journey.
  Recently I read this article. Which got me thinking. I love the article and the message in it. I love the idea of just loving yourself and your body as is. Embracing your differences. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE this woman and her courage to fight the ideas that you have to be a size 2 to be happy and stylish. I want to be like this. I want to love myself, and be happy with how I look no matter what size I am. I hate focusing on what my scale says. And to be 100% honest here, I have always felt like my life would not be good until I lost all the weight. Like being skinny is some magic cure to make you love yourself and your life. A common phrase in my life is "when I lose the weight I will.....". Well that feeling sucks, and those ideas and phrases are toxic. I don't want to wait to start living my life.
  With that said, I also feel like trying to get healthy is not a toxic idea. They say you should stop dieting and just love yourself and your life. Well I follow Weight Watchers. I count my points. It is what I need to keep me healthy. I need that control in my life. I have always left WW when I reach the point when I start getting all in my head about diets and guilt and all the shit that goes with that. I try to just love myself and not focus on food. But I always end up fat and unhappy.
  So the journey of this fat girl has just got real. Losing weight in a healthy way and not losing myself in my head over it. Not letting the mixed messages of society get to me. Follow MY OWN path to a healthy happy life. But mostly to not wait to start life. Enjoy what happening around me now!

I am here!!!

Oh my! The last couple months have been crazy!! Sick kids, business trips, hockey tournaments, birthday parties, hospitals, deaths, and daily life on top. But I have been strong and managed to keep not only my sanity but health as well. With a few bumps in the road I have still managed to keep peeling off the weight. I am now 25lbs down and half way to my first goal! This is very exciting to me, because from this point the weight I want to lose is less then the weight I have already lost. That thought makes things a bit easier for me to stomach. :)
 I have been keeping up with my running as well, and my back has only complained a little. I have made my training plan for now up to my 13.1. I have also planned (and registered for) my races for the year. I may add one or two more but right now I have five races that I am doing. A 2mile, 5K, 6K, 10K and 13.1. I am so excited for this running season to start for me! :)

Making the Fat Cry!

 So here it is the beginning of February and I am 16lbs lighter. Holy cow I cannot believe it myself! I would love to tell you it has been all because of my hard work, but to be truthful it has been pretty easy so far (ahh jinxing myself!!!). My mind is so set on changing my life that I really am confident with all my food choices and workouts. I have been following the Weight Watchers 360 program and doing a Couch to 5K program. I also have a 10K training plan set and my half training plan in place. So I am feeling really good about life right now. My back had been about 75% better! I noticed a difference after the first 5lbs, by 10lbs I could run and not feel to much pain with some stretching of my back and hips. Now I am running regularly and having very minimal pain. Right now I am holding tight on to this weight and fitness accomplishment. I know I will be hitting a wall someday so while I am on cloud 9 I am going to enjoy it.

10 Lbs!

I have reached the 10 pound mark of my weight loss. I am so happy about it. You never realize how just 10lbs effects your body! I feel so much better. My back/hip problem isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I feel less puffy. I have so much more energy. It is amazing.
 At first I felt like in comparison to the weight I have to lose total, 10 lbs was just peanuts. I was feeling a little "meh" about it. Until I pick up a bag a flour, and thought this was half of what I lost. OMG! This heavyish 5lb bag of flour is only half of what I lost! How did I carry that around for so long? No wonder I was so miserable.

Journey of a Fat Girl

Recently I received an email from an old childhood acquaintance. She was asking for forgiveness because one time, during those awful tween years, she called me fat and made me cry. The second I read the email I started crying. To be honest I don't remember this incident. But spending my entire life struggling with my weight, and being called fat more times then I can want to count, I don't doubt that it happened. If you're wondering, I did forgive her. She needed the forgiveness for her own journey, and how could holding a grudge make me a better person.
 This email came with amazing coincidence. This holiday season brought me to my highest weight and lowest view of self worth. I think thats why it made me cry. It reminded me that this is my fat life. Things have always been this way. I have been struggling to be an acceptable weight my whole life. In my teens I was part of the skinny club, but not without some meal skipping. Usually things are very up and down, especially with 3 pregnancies.
 One day I was busy running around getting my 6 year old daughter ready for school, when she turned to me and said:
"does this jacket make me look fat?"
 I stopped dead in my tracks. "What?"
"Never mind"
 My daughter has never been self conscious before, and I am sure some kid at school made a dumb joke about jackets making kids look fat, but my heart broke at that moment. I realized my battle may someday be hers.
 That was the moment something in me changed. My main goal is life is to raise happy, healthy, confident children. How can I possible do that when my own self worth is so low. I have tried to change many times, and it isn't an easy road. I know the journey ahead isn't going to be smooth sailing. There is going to be failure and fall backs, but I will keep going.
Right now I have 2 goals, Lose weight healthily, and get back into shape and run the shit out of that 13.1 in October.
 I work best with dead line, it forces me to make a plan and stick to it. So I have given my self til my youngest 1st birthday in June to lose 50lbs. That is 2lbs a week, a very reasonable goal. I stared this journey a couple weeks ago and already feel so much better. And I have lost 8lbs :) 
 I am doing this for my children, but mostly I am doing it for me.

Oh Sh*t!

Okay internet world, I did it. I pulled the trigger. I made the leap. I did something I was really scared of. I registered for a Half Marathon. My original plan for this coming year was to get back into running and do some 5Ks and 10Ks. But with no plan, and no "A" race I am so lost with my training and just can't seem to get into it. I run/walk (or slog as I like to call it) a couple miles here and there but nothing consistent. I am also carrying around A LOT of extra weight from baby #3 that doesn't seem to want to budge as quickly as it had the last couple times. I really needed something to scare me into training my ass off. Literally! 
So I gave myself an "A" race. The race I have wanted to do all along. My goal race. The race I have been afraid to face. The Half Marathon. I know to some the 13.1 distance is not much. But When I started this journey a 5K seemed impossible to me never mind a Half. I chose the Smuttynose Rockfest HALF Marathon. Mostly because I hear it's pretty flat and it's not to far from home. I also felt this year was a good year to just do it because I have joined an amazing team of women at Team Tough Chick and I will have great support to get through any fears I face.
 So here I sit, 60-70lbs over weight, no training plan just yet, no nutrition plan to follow and a Half Marathon just under a year away. Hoping I can get my shit together to pull this off.

What have I done!!!!

What was I thinking!

The last race I did before I got knocked up was Tufts 10K for women in Boston. I actually found out I was pregos a couple days after that race.

 It is a great race and event. I swore I would do the race every year. So maybe a month before Logan was born I signed up for this years race. I figured it would help motivate me to get back into running after giving birth. I knew I probably wouldn't be up to running the full 6.2 miles but I would try and run as much as I could. Fortunately I didn't need the motivation of the race to get my running shoes back on. I practically wanted to run out of the hospital. What I wasn't expecting though was this third pregnancy and labor was really going to do a number on my hips/back. So running has been a struggle. I started to slowly add in some running/walking exercising to my life, and it didn't end so well. I am now back to limiting my exercising. It's very frustrating to say the least. 
 So now I am two and a half weeks out from the 10K and I have barley walked the distance since last years race. So I will not be running any of it, But I will still be doing the race. Since being the best Ironman spectator ever I do know I am capable of walking the distance. It just might be a bit slower then I am used to. And not running it make me feel a bit embarrassed and sad, but it also gives me the motivation to make sure that next year I WILL be running it, and hopefully will get a PR! :)

Challenges

So the biggest challenge I have faced when trying to get back on track with my running is my back. Three pregnancies and births really have done a number on my lower back and hips. Off and on for the last 6 years I have had sciatic pain. It's this awful nerve pinching that shoots sharp pain down your leg. Making it very hard to move around. It was never really that bad, I would just move the wrong way and it would act up. Then I would rest and it would be better the next day. When I started running it never bothered me unless I was running longer runs like 4-6 miles. Even then I would have to sit and rest for the day and it would be better the next day. But pregnancy and baby number three decided to make things worse. Since peeing on the stick my sciatic had been acting up in a bad way. I assumed giving birth was the cure. Ha! Silly me. I hobbled my way out of the hospital in worse shape then going in almost. So I went to the chiropractor and got adjusted. Which helped. Until I decided to strap on my sneakers and go out for my first post-baby run. Yeah, I couldn't move. Making parenting very difficult. So anyway, I am now working with my chiropractor trying to get myself in good condition to train for and run a 13.1. I am just now able to run a little at a time, although it still acts up a bit. But it gets better every day and although things aren't moving as fast as I would like, it IS getting better. And with a lot of time and patients I WILL reach my 13.1 goal.
 My other challenge is to eat the right foods and lose some weight which will greatly help my back issues. I am still stuck in my very bad pregnancy eating habits. Which were extremely bad! So starting today I am only putting healthy whole foods in me and cutting down on my gigantic serving sizes. "What? You mean a whole pizza isn't a proper serving size??"
 I am making life changes today! I know it won't go smoothly and I won't always be perfect (I know! Hard to believe.) But I will sure as hell try my hardest and I will run those 13.1 miles!!

Mission to MILF

Alright, Mission to MILF is in full swing!!! After 9 months of pregnancy with baby #3, and a couple months of moving and renovating I am giving myself no more excuses. It is time to get myself back in shape and lose about half my body weight.

 I have a bucket list full of some athletic challenges. First thing on the list to tackle is a 13.1 in September 2013. Also going from a somewhat healthy eater to crappy eater of the year, leaves me wanting to rediscover the healthy foods I used to enjoy so much.

 So getting back into blogging will hopefully help me vent, experiment, explore, and share my journey to be one super hot Mom!!

All For My Babies!

One of the biggest reasons I have taken on this running challenge is something that I don't talk about much. While my health and fitness do play a role in my goals, mostly I do this for my kids. I want my babies to see that being active is an important part of life, and how can I teach that to them by sitting on the couch. I always hope for a better healthier life for my kids. I am starting to see the best way to instill this is through example. 
While I do my workouts I daydream that someday Mason and Kylie will enjoy many sports throughout their life, and be as active as they can be. Maybe even go for a run with their Mom time and again. I can already see the affect my new running has on Kylie. She runs around the house pretending to be in races, and always wants me to see how fast she can run. Right now she is at an age where she LOVES everything active! Every sport or activity we sign her up for she is always willing and ready. And I never want her to lose that love for sports and exercise. So I will keep trying to be active in my life and hope my children will learn that fitness and sports are a fun important part of life!!

The Play Gym Saved My Sanity!

This winter has been the wost winter for me, I think ever! I am not sure if it is the small apartment? All the snow? Or shorter days? All I do know is I am in one major funk.

Kylie has had so many snow days, and we have been trapped in the house a lot with all the storms. And the bigger Mason gets the smaller our apartment gets. We don't have a lot of windows as it is but this time of year I have to keep the curtains shut to keep warm inside. For the last couple weeks all I really wanted to do all day was stay in bed and sleep until it was spring. And the poor kids have been crawling up the walls with no outlet for all their energy, thus driving me bananas. I haven't wanted to go out and see people, or cook dinner which normally is fun for me. Our regular schedule hasn't been around since Christmas. 

Well finally I couldn't handle it anymore, and made it my mission to get the kids and myself out of the house to do something active. Even if it meant going to the mall indoor playground. So I dressed the kids (lately we haven't been getting out of our jammies), loaded everyone in the car and we went off to a local gymnastics gym with open gym hours in the mornings. This little outing saved my life!! The kids did nothing but run and bounce and play for an hour straight. And I got to run around after Mason and even talk to a couple adults. It was cold out but the sun was out and I loves having it shine down on us while driving! It was wonderful to get out with people and enjoy the kids, instead of being annoyed by them. We are definitely going to make a weekly trip to this gym while there is still snow on the ground! Hopefully it's enough to keep me out of my funk.

So what if I am a June Cleaver type with my apron and fresh baked cookies!

I read a blog post today about a mother who regretted choosing to stay home with her children. I fully understand her feelings, and realize some mothers make better mothers when they work out of the home. But she make us stay at home moms, who are better mothers home with the kids, sound like some freak of nature June Cleaver types. I do wear an apron and bake cookies with my kids. I fully enjoy bringing my kids to school and conversing with the other Mothers. I am in no way peppy or out to make working Moms feel bad for their decisions. I am thankful that I can stay home with my kids, but it comes with much sacrifice. Financial and personal. In my former life before children I was a hairdresser. My hair and nails were done on a regular basis. Pedicures happened once or twice a month, rather then once or twice a year if I am lucky. I always had my own cash in my pocket and never had to depend on someone else for money. Now I don't have time or money for making myself a diva. Also with being a hairdresser I was with people all day. Talking to different people all the time. Now I am lucky to have a conversation with the hubby. But with all that change, I will never regret my decision to stay home with my kids. After years of thinking I could never be one of those stay at home Mom types, I realized I can be. And I am damn good at it. I don't even mind the sacrifices so much. I will have years of focusing on me when they are older. Now I want to be with them and enjoy their childhood. And so what if I am a June Cleaver type with my apron and fresh baked cookies!

My Couch to 5K Journey!

All my life I have seen people run and was envious. The cool clothes, shoes and gadgets along with the fit and tones bodies. I wanted to be them. So year after year I got on the treadmill and tried to run myself. I HATE IT!! Yes i know surprise, I hate running. In my head it is so much better then in reality. But still that goal of running a 5K race is in the back of my head.

 My 2 Brothers are super athletes. They do it all, but mostly they run. They run miles and miles. When they come visit they are always off doing some workout or another. Running, Biking, Swimming. They are damn Triathlete for cookie sake!!! Then there is me. The larger, lazier, mother of 2 sister, Who would rather bake for days then run one step.

 So I have made a promise to myself and only myself to run that 5K this year! Maybe two! But I am going to do it. So I started the Couch to 5K Program. My Brother came up with a good 3 day a week workout schedule for me to follow based off the ones you can get online. I am currently in week 2. Week one was great! I was motivated, it felt good to work out. I *Hearted* my 60 second runs. But now I hate it. Who would have thought 90 second of running would suck so much. I feel great after, but during I feel like banging my head on a wall. But I am going to do this if it kills me!! To be honest the only thing that keeps me going are the cute running clothes I get to buy when I do my race. Also I promised myself I can wear a cute Team Sparkle Skirt at my race! 

I plan to journal my journey to 5K here so stay tuned for my progress!! I WILL RUN A 5K!!!! If only for the cute skirt :)

A Mothers guilt sucks!

A Mothers guilt sucks! I am not talking about the guilt that mother hammer down on their elder children to get them to do things (Mom!). I mean the guilt you feel when your kids cry for you when you leave them, the guilt you feel when your kids get hurt the one second you aren't paying attention, The damn guilt you feel when your kids are out of control and push you to the edge and you explode at them. That is the guilt that sucks!

I started a Couch to 5K program where I have to walk/run 3 days a week. Not a tall order right! So The Princess goes to school 3 days a week...Great time to work out. So I drop Mason off with Papa, bring Kylie to school and go do my workouts. It all works out great. But one thing....

Mason cries every time I bring him to Papa's house. Don't get me wrong he loves it there. Him and Papa have a blast together. He cries so I feel bad for leaving him! And it works. The time Kylie is in school is not only a good time to work out, it would also be a great time to spend some one on one time with my little Monkey. And there is the guilt. 

I love My little man so much! And I am always feeling bad that he and I rarely get alone time with out The Princess. I had 3 years with Kylie, I don't want to short change Mason. 

I understand a happy Mom makes happy kids. And It is healthier for all of us for me to take time for myself. But hot damn that Mothers guilt SUCKS!!! 

Good bye 2010...Hello 2011!!!

Today is New Years Eve. As of midnight it will be 2011. A new year, A fresh start. And like most people I am looking back at 2010 and trying to figure out what I can do better. How I can make myself a better person, wife, mother and friend. Because basically this past year I really sucked at all of it. I lost weight and gained it back. I was there for friends then let them down. I put my marriage first but shoved it aside when things got tough. I did all I could for my kids but lost my patients more then I can count. I tried to love me as me, but secretly I hate myself.

This year I am not making any promises or resolutions. I am just going to do! I am going to get healthy. I am going to run that 5K. I am going to make time for my friends and be there for them as much as I can be. I am putting my marriage on top! I am going to be the best Mom I can possible be! And last but not least I am going to make time for me, find out who I am again. I need to be happy if I am going to do anything I want to do this year.

So here is to 2011 and all the adventures it will bring!

Wordless Wednesday

I formula fed my kids, and I am not ashamed!

I fully understand that breast milk is by far the best thing for our babies. It is something I planned on doing and tried hard to do with both my babies. With Kylie I starved her for 6 weeks before I figured it wasn't working out. Mason it took 3 sleepless nights, a crying frustrated Mommy and a screaming hungry baby before I made the choice to switch. Yes in both instances I felt like a failure, like I was giving up. I beat myself up for weeks thinking I could have tried harder, and I let the lack of sleep get to me. It was only after I caught up on sleep and got out of the "New baby" haze that I saw I made the best decision I could for my family.

 I have had countless nursing mom's turn their noses up at me in disgust when I brought out my bottle and powder. And I always wondered if they understood they were judging me the same way people judge them when they pull out their boob in public. Don't misunderstand me, I am not comparing nursing your baby in public to bottle feeding in public. I am all for nursing in public, and totally support the fight to nurse in public. I have even done it a time or two in the early days with Kylie. I am referring to the feelings involved. That the same judgmental attitude nursing mothers feel, is the same judgmental attitude they throw at formula feeding mothers.

 It all goes back to why? Why are Mother judging Mothers? I am sure in most cases we all want the same thing, Healthy happy children.

 Again I do know Breast Milk is what is best for babies, But only I know whats best for my family. And until you walk a day in my shoes don't judge.

Mommy and Her Babies!

Not much going on right now, very busy with Christmas! So here are some pictures of me with the two most important people in my life!!! I LOVE THEM!!!

Trying to achieve true happiness with myself!

I have been reading a lot about body image lately. My new favorite site is the Curvy Girl Guide. I enjoy reading about other women's struggles with weight and body image. It makes me feel like I am not alone. It seems to be something every girl, no matter weight, size, race or age worries about. 

 My question is why? Why, if all of us are feeling the anxiety and stress about how we look and how much we weigh, do we feel the need to judge ourselves and others? We know it hurts. We all know what it's like to self conscious. We all know the feeling of trying on everything in our closet looking for something that not only fits but looks half way decent. I myself have denied invitations, or canceled plans for fear of what people would think of how I look. Yet we all compare ourselves to others. "Is she fatter then me?", "Are my clothes nicer?", "At least my hair is nicer then her!s". I mean shouldn't we all be more accepting? More understanding of other women who are most likely going through the same worries we are?

 My weight is a huge yo yo. I lose and gain constantly. While I am losing the weight I am so excited for everyone to see my hard work and how well I have done. But on the flip side once I start gaining again, I don't want anyone to see me, especially my close friends. I don't want to look like a failure and have them judge me for how fat I am. And these are the people I am supposed to be 100% comfortable no matter when. They are my friends and I love them no matter what, and I am sure they feel the same way, but I can't help crumbling with anxiety at the thought of them seeing me at my heavier weights.

 The same goes for my husband. The heavier I get the less he *sees* of me. I know without a doubt he loves ALL of me. Heavy or skinny. But I still can't stand the idea of him or anyone seeing my "Curvy" figure.

 It seems the only people I am 100% comfortable with our my kids. They have nothing but pure love for me and never care what I wear, how fat I am, or even if I haven't showered for a week! 

 My focus in life right now is to be happy and healthy. I know I need to lose a bit a weight to achieve both, but I also need to not obsess over every little pound. I want to be happy with me! I want Kylie to see that weight or looks are not what make you happy. That true happiness goes deeper then skin and fat.