Sunday, December 12, 2010

Trying to achieve true happiness with myself!

I have been reading a lot about body image lately. My new favorite site is the Curvy Girl Guide. I enjoy reading about other women's struggles with weight and body image. It makes me feel like I am not alone. It seems to be something every girl, no matter weight, size, race or age worries about. 
 My question is why? Why, if all of us are feeling the anxiety and stress about how we look and how much we weigh, do we feel the need to judge ourselves and others? We know it hurts. We all know what it's like to self conscious. We all know the feeling of trying on everything in our closet looking for something that not only fits but looks half way decent. I myself have denied invitations, or canceled plans for fear of what people would think of how I look. Yet we all compare ourselves to others. "Is she fatter then me?", "Are my clothes nicer?", "At least my hair is nicer then her!s". I mean shouldn't we all be more accepting? More understanding of other women who are most likely going through the same worries we are?
 My weight is a huge yo yo. I lose and gain constantly. While I am losing the weight I am so excited for everyone to see my hard work and how well I have done. But on the flip side once I start gaining again, I don't want anyone to see me, especially my close friends. I don't want to look like a failure and have them judge me for how fat I am. And these are the people I am supposed to be 100% comfortable no matter when. They are my friends and I love them no matter what, and I am sure they feel the same way, but I can't help crumbling with anxiety at the thought of them seeing me at my heavier weights.
 The same goes for my husband. The heavier I get the less he *sees* of me. I know without a doubt he loves ALL of me. Heavy or skinny. But I still can't stand the idea of him or anyone seeing my "Curvy" figure.
 It seems the only people I am 100% comfortable with our my kids. They have nothing but pure love for me and never care what I wear, how fat I am, or even if I haven't showered for a week! 
 My focus in life right now is to be happy and healthy. I know I need to lose a bit a weight to achieve both, but I also need to not obsess over every little pound. I want to be happy with me! I want Kylie to see that weight or looks are not what make you happy. That true happiness goes deeper then skin and fat.

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