So it happened!

  So it happened. My motivation has worn down, and I am struggling to keep up with things. This happens every time I try to eat better and lose weight. This is the point I fail. Every time. I start to feel guilty over everything I put in my mouth that is not something I feel I am "supposed to" eat. Then I get angry that I feel guilty. Then I eat in protest starting the cycle from hell. I am fighting things hard this time. literally taking it meal by meal but also trying not to obsess over it. Finding balance has got to be my biggest challenge in the journey.
  Recently I read this article. Which got me thinking. I love the article and the message in it. I love the idea of just loving yourself and your body as is. Embracing your differences. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE this woman and her courage to fight the ideas that you have to be a size 2 to be happy and stylish. I want to be like this. I want to love myself, and be happy with how I look no matter what size I am. I hate focusing on what my scale says. And to be 100% honest here, I have always felt like my life would not be good until I lost all the weight. Like being skinny is some magic cure to make you love yourself and your life. A common phrase in my life is "when I lose the weight I will.....". Well that feeling sucks, and those ideas and phrases are toxic. I don't want to wait to start living my life.
  With that said, I also feel like trying to get healthy is not a toxic idea. They say you should stop dieting and just love yourself and your life. Well I follow Weight Watchers. I count my points. It is what I need to keep me healthy. I need that control in my life. I have always left WW when I reach the point when I start getting all in my head about diets and guilt and all the shit that goes with that. I try to just love myself and not focus on food. But I always end up fat and unhappy.
  So the journey of this fat girl has just got real. Losing weight in a healthy way and not losing myself in my head over it. Not letting the mixed messages of society get to me. Follow MY OWN path to a healthy happy life. But mostly to not wait to start life. Enjoy what happening around me now!

I am here!!!

Oh my! The last couple months have been crazy!! Sick kids, business trips, hockey tournaments, birthday parties, hospitals, deaths, and daily life on top. But I have been strong and managed to keep not only my sanity but health as well. With a few bumps in the road I have still managed to keep peeling off the weight. I am now 25lbs down and half way to my first goal! This is very exciting to me, because from this point the weight I want to lose is less then the weight I have already lost. That thought makes things a bit easier for me to stomach. :)
 I have been keeping up with my running as well, and my back has only complained a little. I have made my training plan for now up to my 13.1. I have also planned (and registered for) my races for the year. I may add one or two more but right now I have five races that I am doing. A 2mile, 5K, 6K, 10K and 13.1. I am so excited for this running season to start for me! :)

Making the Fat Cry!

 So here it is the beginning of February and I am 16lbs lighter. Holy cow I cannot believe it myself! I would love to tell you it has been all because of my hard work, but to be truthful it has been pretty easy so far (ahh jinxing myself!!!). My mind is so set on changing my life that I really am confident with all my food choices and workouts. I have been following the Weight Watchers 360 program and doing a Couch to 5K program. I also have a 10K training plan set and my half training plan in place. So I am feeling really good about life right now. My back had been about 75% better! I noticed a difference after the first 5lbs, by 10lbs I could run and not feel to much pain with some stretching of my back and hips. Now I am running regularly and having very minimal pain. Right now I am holding tight on to this weight and fitness accomplishment. I know I will be hitting a wall someday so while I am on cloud 9 I am going to enjoy it.

10 Lbs!

I have reached the 10 pound mark of my weight loss. I am so happy about it. You never realize how just 10lbs effects your body! I feel so much better. My back/hip problem isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I feel less puffy. I have so much more energy. It is amazing.
 At first I felt like in comparison to the weight I have to lose total, 10 lbs was just peanuts. I was feeling a little "meh" about it. Until I pick up a bag a flour, and thought this was half of what I lost. OMG! This heavyish 5lb bag of flour is only half of what I lost! How did I carry that around for so long? No wonder I was so miserable.

Journey of a Fat Girl

Recently I received an email from an old childhood acquaintance. She was asking for forgiveness because one time, during those awful tween years, she called me fat and made me cry. The second I read the email I started crying. To be honest I don't remember this incident. But spending my entire life struggling with my weight, and being called fat more times then I can want to count, I don't doubt that it happened. If you're wondering, I did forgive her. She needed the forgiveness for her own journey, and how could holding a grudge make me a better person.
 This email came with amazing coincidence. This holiday season brought me to my highest weight and lowest view of self worth. I think thats why it made me cry. It reminded me that this is my fat life. Things have always been this way. I have been struggling to be an acceptable weight my whole life. In my teens I was part of the skinny club, but not without some meal skipping. Usually things are very up and down, especially with 3 pregnancies.
 One day I was busy running around getting my 6 year old daughter ready for school, when she turned to me and said:
"does this jacket make me look fat?"
 I stopped dead in my tracks. "What?"
"Never mind"
 My daughter has never been self conscious before, and I am sure some kid at school made a dumb joke about jackets making kids look fat, but my heart broke at that moment. I realized my battle may someday be hers.
 That was the moment something in me changed. My main goal is life is to raise happy, healthy, confident children. How can I possible do that when my own self worth is so low. I have tried to change many times, and it isn't an easy road. I know the journey ahead isn't going to be smooth sailing. There is going to be failure and fall backs, but I will keep going.
Right now I have 2 goals, Lose weight healthily, and get back into shape and run the shit out of that 13.1 in October.
 I work best with dead line, it forces me to make a plan and stick to it. So I have given my self til my youngest 1st birthday in June to lose 50lbs. That is 2lbs a week, a very reasonable goal. I stared this journey a couple weeks ago and already feel so much better. And I have lost 8lbs :) 
 I am doing this for my children, but mostly I am doing it for me.

How do I shake off a bad day?

I run the Sh** out of my workout with this song on repeat! :)

Time to remove the couch from my ass....Again!

I have been using the phrase "When I start running again..." way to much lately and not actually running. So tomorrow I am going to start the "Couch to 5K" program from the beginning. Hopefully getting back into a running routine will restart my mojo and get me back in runner mode.
13.1 I am coming to getcha! :)